Distractions

in case my lack of blogging hasn't been indication enough... i've been very distracted lately. i blogged about it a little bit over at White Blank Page too, but i'm gonna talk about it here some more. because i like talking about myself. public self-flagellation is so awesome.

lately, there have just been so many THINGS stealing my focus. some have been enormously good things, some have been not so great, and others have been just THING things of no consequence.

but the thing about these THINGS? is that i use them like excuses. i allow them to stand in the way of my goals because it's easier than finding a way around them. i tell myself it's okay if i don't write tonight because my day at work was stressful and i have a headache. but then i'll fiddle on the internets doing absolutely nothing productive for hours. sure, everyone needs a little time to zone out, but lately? there has been exactly zero zoning in.

i think part of the problem is that i love my idea too much. it's so perfectly formed in my head--all bright and shiny and happy and lovely. and i know that no matter how hard i work on it, it's never going to be as beautiful as it is in my head. it will be flawed, simply because it will be three dimensional. it will be real in a way that nothing that exists only in my head can be. and intellectually, i know that it real and flawed is so much more powerful and resonant than shiny perfection, but it's still a daunting thought. it still feels a little bit like hacking up a baby and turning it into frankenstein.

or, you know, something else less offensive.

i'm at a really great place with what i've written so far. i feel like i don't talk about the good things enough. i am writing. i am making progress. i'm not completely stalled out and spending all my time whining on the internets, i promise. i just need to be better about putting aside the distractions and making myself focus.

because at the end of the day? no one else cares if i finish this. friends may be supportive and encouraging, but their lives won't change if i don't finish. mine will. the weight of the could have beens will crush me if i continue to let the distractions mount and don't treat this with the respect it--and i--deserve.

i have talent. i have a voice. i have a story to tell.

i just need to give myself the room to tell it.