I need an adult.

Here’s the thing about me. I’m pretty much incapable of creating structure for myself. If I don’t have things like work or boy spawns or delicious food-related events to ensure I get up at a reasonable hour, then by god I am going to sleep until my legs start to twitch because they haven’t moved in seventeen hours and are possibly starting to atrophy. Just because it’s my god given American right to do so. If I don’t take advantage of this delicious, blanket burrito shaped freedom, WHO WILL?

Also, eating. If there’s no one around to keep me on a regular eating schedule, I will most likely shove a handful of whatever carbohydrate is handy into my mouth and wash it down with some diet coke or maybe crystal light or possibly vodka if the timing is right. (I should note here that the timing is rarely right.)  

Basically? Without outside forces keeping me in line, I live my life like an eleven year old allowed to spend spring break home alone for the first time.

I think it’s that thing that grown ups call “a lack of discipline” but I’m not positive.

  

Expectations for my first boyspawn and social engagement free weekend of the year:

1. SO MANY WORDS, OMG. GOOD WILL HUNTING PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO COUNT THAT HIGH, Y’ALL.
2. Maybe some laundry if I have time?

Reality:

1. I read three books from start to finish
2. I had a dance party in my underwear
3. I wrote a blog post about why Ryan Gosling is a douchebag but I love him anyway and tied it into character development and puzzle pieces? I don’t know either, guys.
4. I learned all the words to It’s the End of the World As We Know It because I thought it would be a good theme song, but it turns out it wasn’t.
5. I cleaned my bathroom for maybe the first time all year? (This is a judgment free zone, guys.)
6.  I did seven loads of laundry
7. I wrote for a total of maybe 6 hours in a 48 hour time period

The thing about having unlimited time to write? Is that I tell myself I have unlimited time to write, so I can do all these other things I haven’t been doing because I’ve been squeezing writing into every free second I have. 

And while it was a refreshing weekend after a very busy couple of weeks, and before the incredibly insane few weeks that are coming, it wasn’t necessarily very productive. I did make some measurable headway, but not enough for an entire weekend alone.

So, who has two thumbs, a tendency to procrastinate and a need for structure if she is to be productive? THIS GIRL.

Life lessons, guys. Life lessons.

pretty much.

a setback. a breakthrough. or: why naps are necessary.

i don't usually outline. typically, i know the beginning and the end, and maybe some of the big events along the way. but all the little details in between that really make the story a story? yeah, i just let those happen naturally. the characters will tell me where to go. i find if i try to get all bossypants with them, they start giving me the silent treatment. there isn't much worse than that.

however, with my current project--what i've begun calling the Fancy and Whimsical Novel (or: FaWN, which is also fancy and whimsical. I'M SO META) in my head? the backstory is pretty involved, so i figured there was no way around it. i HAD to have some kind of outline in order to keep everything straight.

turns out that was probably not the best idea for me. i'm a little... obsessive, you might say? i get hung up on little details. a need to make everything symmetrical and even. to have all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. the outline became my everest. i was going to get it right if it was the last thing i did. i spent so much time on the damn thing, got so hung up on this one detail i didn't have completely defined in my head yet, that i STOPPED WRITING COMPLETELY.

i couldn't stop obsessing about THAT ONE THING. HOWWWWW was i going to make it work? maybe this way? no. this? uh uh. thisssssssssssssssssssssss? GODDAMNIT. NO.

so a few days ago i got so tired with the perpetual rending of my garments and gnashing of my teeth that i decided to take a break from it. give it a few days to percolate. i set my laptop (gently, lovingly) aside and curled up to sob nap.

and while i napped, not only did my brains unravel the complex mystery that was FaWN's backstory all by itself, but worked out the plot to the story i'd originally planned to write. so then i had not one BUT TWO characters knocking around in my head, each the antithesis of the other.

sophie's choice, yo.

i started thinking maybe it meant i lacked focus. that i wasn't cut out write either one of them. do real writers have these problems? did any of them sit there in front of their computers, struggling to decide what to write with what amounted to a girlie cage fight happening inside their head? (it's not as hot as it sounds, guys.)

probably not, i decided. with a long suffering sigh. i am le suck.

and then i told myself to shut the...um, front door and just start writing. see what happened. and i wrote about five thousand words in four hours. i don't know if that's good, bad or just mediocre on the real author scale, but on mine? it's pretty effing amazing.

new plan. new energy. clear eyes, clear head.

and no outline.
 
never again.